“The blinders are off”

It took me three years into my relationship with God to not only recognize bulimia as habitual sin rather than sickness, but to acknowledge and accept responsibility. Please don’t get me wrong, I was absolutely sick not only physically, but spiritually and emotionally as well. I had come to realize that I was using food to fill any type of void in my life rather than the intended use to nourish my body. When I would come to God in prayer early in my relationship, I would ask Him to free me of bulimia. After three years of doing this, I had become discouraged because bulimia was still a huge aspect of my life and felt as though God was not going to heal me. One day in my prayer and devotion time I asked God what I was doing wrong, I wanted to be free, I hated living with the shame and failure and asked God what I was missing. I believe God spoke to me in His still small voice that I was seeking God to do my will and not His. My will was that God would miraculously fix me so I did not have to do any work. My will was that I was not accountable for any of my actions because I believed bulimia was a sickness and I couldn’t heal myself. Therefore I had no responsibility to take action because I felt God has to do this. The reality was that I didn’t want to change. I had become very comfortable with eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and the purging it away so I did not have to pay the consequence of unwanted weight gain and that I could maintain the body and image that I had come to love over the last fifteen years. Why would I want to change because in reality on the outside I looked like I had it all together, amazing husband who adores me and tells me I am beautiful every day, a beautiful home, four beautiful children, amazing church family and friends and an awesome neighborhood with those that we have become closely knitted to. Looking at my life is everything I could have ever wanted and then some so why would I want to change? I liked my comfortable life and even on paper  when I went to the doctors I was and still am a picture of perfection. My stats are perfect and my doctor said if I had not had been open and honest with her that she would have never known. Everything outwardly was great, it was the inward struggle and battle that I knew this life of bulimia was not what God had willed for me and it was when I turned to Him to find out what His will was that the blinders were removed. It is the truth that sets us free no matter how hard that may be to acknowledge and then do something about it. 2 Corinthians 3: says that when one turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. I needed to turn to God not only with the desire to know His will for my life to overcome, but have the willingness to do and then walk in it. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy considering I walked in my will for the past fifteen years and was without self-control, discipline and taking responsibility for my own actions. I had to acknowledge that though my sickness of bulimia was a real sickness, it was something that I had free will over, free will to eat what I wanted(no one forced me to over eat or become a glutton) so I also Had free will to deny myself that lifestyle of practicing bulimia. I have this promise that it is God who works in me to do His will for His good pleasure and that the power working in me is of God and not me. That is a relief that as He has called me to follow Him and His will, that He is also the one who does the work. God says wherever His spirit is, there is freedom, so because the spirit of God dwells in me I am able to walk in freedom being renewed day by day as the blinders are removed as I turn to the One who has allowed me to see. Freedom and beauty is more than who I am outwardly, but far greater is freedom within and not to be a slave to such darkness that I have allowed willingly into my life. I now live to do the will Of god where there is freedom where I once allowed food to fill the void rather than God. I need to ask God to help me to see and turn to Him in wisdom, knowledge and understanding of how to nourish myself in a way that is helpful and useful and then apply it being confident that because of who God is I will be able to do the work that is required to be transformed into who I was intended to be rather than being conformed to who I once was. Leaving the past behind for it is a new day and I am new and being made new day by day.


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