I Don’t have all the answers and don’t know if I ever will and I am OK with that. What I have learned is that the truth of me and the deception of bulimia has always been inside me and the power to change. Just like Dorothy and the Wizard Of Oz. The power to change is within. The battle we all face is with our truest self, our spirit, our soul vs. our ego. Our ego, social status, self image and social mask, the role you play in society, thrives on what others think along with fear of what others think. Ego thrives on approval and is sustained by power of that approval. Our truest self, our spirit and soul is completely free. I just didn’t always see it that way. Where I was once blind, I can now see the light of my path intended for me that is life and life giving, where there was once death and destruction. I choose my truest self because that is where I am free. Becky V. (truest Self) vs. Ego (Bulimia, self image and social mask).
Let’s start from the beginning. I don’t remember much of my childhood but this particular day I remember very well as if it were yesterday. I was 7 years old and my mom and dad were arguing before my dad left for work. It was a yelling and screaming match with plates flying and glass breaking. Within a couple of after my dad went to work we get a knock at the door. My grandmother and grandfather on my father’s side. My grandmother was crying when she told my mom there was a bad accident at my Dad’s work. My dad was a laborer and on this day a tree fell on him and took his life. I know that this took a toll on my mom that I could never imagine the depth. It wasn’t just me she was left with, but two younger sisters to take care of by herself. I believe at this time being the oldest that what I knew of in childhood was left behind. I had become my mom’s helper. I didn’t know at the time but food was my safe place and my source of comfort. Food was my way of coping with the tragedy and loss of life. I know that food protected me and numbed me from different things that I had no control over at a young age. Different men in and out of our lives along with going from babysitter to babysitter so my mom could support us. She did the best she could and so did I.
Let’s fast forward to the age of 15 when my mom sat me down and told me that my father, my real father is alive and wants to have a relationship with me. Talk about a crazy turn of events and the already strange awareness that I always felt I was different from my younger sisters. We don’t look alike, then my mom showed me a picture of my father and it was clear where my looks came from. Things started to make sense. My Dad came into my life successful promising me the world,. a new car, a new start at life with my Dad and the Sunshine State of Florida. The emotions that I was feeling were so overwhelming and exciting at the same time. When I was younger I cried daily.I missed my childhood. I missed my dad and the vision and tragedy of the day was overwhelming. Then to find out I have a father who is very much alive. I missed out on 8 years of my life. A life I felt that was stolen from me. I was lied to, deceived, never really knowing who I was. I was excited for the second chance at life to know my father. My father invited me to move in with him. So I got myself prepared to start this new exciting, yet unknowing life. When it came time to move in with my Dad the plan was he would send for my things with a UHaul truck. I did not hear from him and I was unable to reach him. I had called the Florida police to ask them to check in on him and his address out of fear that something must have happened to him. A couple of days later I get a phone call from a woman who says she was his neighbor. Letting me know she saw the note from the police and wanted to call me to let me know he sold his house and the U Haul truck he had to move with had Tennessee plates on it So many things have happened where my life spiraled out of control and I was a child left to myself feeling rejected unwanted alone unloved and lied to. Food had become a greater source of comfort, so much that I would eat until I was sick. This at the age of 15 was so overwhelming. Not just losing one father, but 2. Bulimia became a strong way of coping with the unknown and the pain that I didn’t deserve. The downward spiral of life as I left home. A child left to myself. If I can describe to help you understand who, what, why, how bulimia was to me, then I would say she was my escape. I would binge or stuff down all the negative in my life with food and then find release by purging it all away. Bulimia protected me. I had seen what the pleasure of overindulging of food had done to my body for many years and I did not like it. Bulimia helped me to reverse the unwanted weight gain. She gave me control over my mind, my body and spirit. The deepest parts of me and no one could touch or take away. Bulimia gave me a strong confidence and power. Nobody knew of bulimia and how she was always there for me and nobody could take that . Life started to get better. Bulimia gave me a body that was pleasing to boys in my life that I was attracted to. This was new to me and very empowering. Speaking of empowering, it gave me new power and control along with experience in new pleasure, satisfaction and gratification of life. Social status and popularity that made me feel on top of the world. Bulimia gave me more then I had entered in with. My expectation of bulimia was too hide away pain without the weight gain. Yes bulimia is disgusting, it is a deceiver, it is a destroyer, it has killed, but yet it gave me new life. A life that was pleasing to the eye. Bulimia was easy for me to the fact that purging was not something I had to force. I lived bulimia just as easy as somebody lived in eating food and going on. My relationship with food became what others viewed as unnatural, but for me it was so natural. It was life giving, it was all I knew and conformed into a life of it’s own. Bulimia had become the stronger part of me. My alter Ego. You see my truest self, my soul, my inner being was pretty much gone and undefined. I was ignorant to it’s deception and lies. Bulimia defined me for most my young life into young adulthood where I started having my own children, daughters of my own. Not forgetting the son I gave birth to and lost 10 minutes later due to complications. His Esophagus was sliced when the Doctor was trying to open his immature lungs. This was another turning point in my life when the pain was too much and I started questioning everything, myself, why am I here? Going through the motions of life, but not living life. To be continued….